An epiphany came to me this Saturday. It came to me while topless, my shirt misplaced in a woman’s pocket long ago, covered in cheap, swinish PBR and disco sweat. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman old enough to bury her sons in the Civil War shifting nude atop the bar; her nethers still partially concealed in Little Bo Peep gear. Although I have been going to the Clermont for Saturday Night disco for years, this is the first time I realized I felt completely at home. Much like a New Yorker who suddenly comes to the realization that they could live nowhere else on Earth, I decided I will never find a better pad than the Clermont Lounge.
This article stands less as an advertisement and more as a love letter. Oh, Clermont Lounge, let me count the ways…
1. It’s a self-cleansing system
Earlier in the night, I had the misfortune to head off to MJQ. Years ago, this had been my favorite place to get tanked and break dance (or watch my Physics 2 professor hit on skirts). Once a scene’s popularity hits a certain mark, the magic dissipates along with the loyal clientele that made the place special.
The Clermont will never have this problem. The people that would ruin this bar either never show up to begin with (thanks to the joint’s scandalous reputation), or skitter off after Blondie crushes her 5th beer can under her sagging milk sacs. It’s too dirty, too loud, and too awesome to be ruined.
2. The music never changes
The Clermont’s DJ, Romeo Cologne, has been spinning the same tunes at the Clermont 14 years strong. He started spinning his collection when disco was considered dead, and he has always found an audience. Although you can expect a slightly different show each week, the genre of the turntable is trapped in time. A general rubric to follow is a mix of Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder, and a whole lot of miscellaneous funk that has been forgotten by time.
The only thing to remember on the way in is that the music does not start until 11pm. Walk in before that, and you will see nothing but dinosaurs armed with cellulite and lap dances.
3. There is no place like it on Earth
I like to compare the Clermont to Hunter S. Thompson’s description of Bazooko Circus in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
‘Bazooko Circus is what the whole
hep world would be doing Saturday
night if the Nazis had won the war.
This was the Sixth Reich.’
There is no place quite like the Clermont Lounge anywhere else (I tend to drag couch surfers here whenever we host internationals, and they looooove it), and I’m fairly certain that is where I’d be if the world was going to end tomorrow.
4. Woody Harrelson showed up for his birthday while he filmed Zombieland
…and tried to bang my step sister.
If you haven’t already, give the Clermont Lounge a chance. Expect to get dirty and feel dirty, to dance and be danced on. Remember, it’s not a strip club; it’s a dance club with strippers. So dance your heart out, but remember to tip the brave women of yesteryear.