Korsgaard v. Twilight

Korsgaard v. Twilight

You might assume that I hate anything involving Twilight. In this regard, you would be wrong. Specifically, about the word hate. For example, I hate it when the Colts lose the Super Bowl. I hate it when the news covers Lindsey Lohan failing a drug test instead of a genocide going on in the Sudan. I hate it when they mess up my order at restaurants. I hate when my Congressman gets to go on a vacation to Bermuda paid by my tax dollars while I have to eat leftovers for dinner to help make ends meet. Now when it comes to Twilight, the word hate carries too little power, as I can tolerate most things I hate. Instead, let’s assume that there exists a word stronger than hate. Now replace very word in this piece with said word. Hell, replace every word on this blog with it. Then multiply it by several hundred. You should have somewhere near one twentieth of the level of hate that I feel towards the Twilight fad.

In spite of this, I have done my best to avoid writing a piece on how much I detest this Twilight garbage. Despite it being the popular thing to do a ‘How much I hate Twilight’ article and post it in the Internet, I felt that taking a shot at Twilight is the equivalent of taking a small kitten and kicking it to death with steel toes. But this recent development has forced my hand. Twihards, watch your back, for the sleeper has awakened at last. And now, let the bloodshed begin.

For those of you lucky enough to have lived in a cave since 2005, if you love literature, you probably should stay in that cave. You see, ever since it’s release, the Twilight Saga has become a media franchise that has garnered billions of dollars, and expanded from books, movies, merchandising, and unfortunately become a staple in the lives of millions of young girls and, I can only presume, some very lonely women in their forties.

And it is this that has frustrated many people such as myself to no end. These novels are hardly a few steps above coloring books. The movies are just plain horrid, to such a degree that they almost deserve a separate article. I don’t want to know why people want to buy the merchandise, which ranges from Team Edward-Team Jacob shirts, replica jewelery, or Edward Cullen blow up dolls, and considering that last one, something tells me I don’t want to. And despite all of this madness, legions of obsessed fans flock to this craze as if it was the second coming of Christ.

What did I miss? Was I in a coma when they drugged all of these people? There is something wrong with this world when swarms of people are obsessed with a series, when you take it at it’s base level, all Twilight is just a the tale of a nut job female deciding whether she wants to f*** the dead guy or the doggie.

There are so many things to criticize this waste heap for, and I hope to get to most of it in this article. For now I am going to focus on the main problems.

For starters, is how poorly written these books are written. For those of you who are lucky enough to have never read these books, you are very fortunate. The author clearly has no clue how to form proper sentences, or use proper English grammar. To make matters worse, many of her sentences are filled with unneeded adjectives and non-sense flowery phrasing. Too make matters worse, they spend an ungodly amount of time harping over the same two subjects: how completely normal Bella is, and how Edward is a walking sex god. That last part disturbs me in particular, because she goes into such detail that makes dime store erotica look tame. If one could make a list of how many times they mention ‘Edwards perfect face’ or his ‘velvety voice’ and such, I am sure I would not be the only one who threw up in their mouth. It would seem that while the author was spending her time browsing her thesaurus for another word she could use to describe Edward’s nose hairs, she forgot to include a coherent plot line. That’s right, four books that are several hundred pages long have hardly an ounce of plot.

My next biggest complaint, is that Twilight is a series of vampire romance novels with no freaking vampires! And don’t you dare tell me those things in the series are vampires. Vampires drink human blood, turn in to bats, sleep in coffins, and don’t have reflections. Garlic, holy water, silver and stakes kill them. When they go out in sunlight, they burn. No where in that description does it say ‘Sparkly mind-reading vegetarians who look like they walked out of a Nordstrom’s catalog.’ To add insult to injury, they ruin werewolves too! Thankfully not to the same extent as the metro-pires, but nevertheless, shape shifting Native Americans are not lycanthropes.

And don’t you dare tell me ‘She’s just being original!’. That would be like if I decided to write a book about zombies, but instead of being undead brain munchers, they’re all score Russian women who walk around in schoolgirl outfits. If Stephenie Meyer wants to write about her sexual fantasies, call them something else!

Of course, even if these ‘vampires’ were not horribly disguised fetish-fuel for Mrs. Meyer, the bad design of the characters certainly would have doomed the series. I shall focus on the big three, mainly due to the fact Meyer never really bothers to give meaningful descriptions of anybody else.

To begin, we have the narrator, Bella Swan, who from what I gather, is a Mary Sue that was put in to be bland enough for any female reading the book to just jump on in. Which means that there really are only vague details about her; I don’t even think the books tell you her eye color. What it does tell you is that she is a whiny, world weary seventeen year old that hates her life. Basically picture her as that creepy girl from high school who writes emo poetry and skips class to go smoke. And yet it seems like every man in her school is crazy for her for some unknown reason. Which I am rather surprised, because this girl is absolutely insane. She falls in love with Edward after a period of less than a month, attempts to kill herself several times once he leaves, decides to have his child and become a vampire shortly after. She seems to have no goal in life, aside from drooling over Edward. Her character alone sets feminism back four hundred years, and is a brazen insult to real heroines everywhere.

And then there is Edward Cullen, aka, Mr. Sparkles. Now my biggest problem is not the fact that he has turned vampires from feared creatures of the night into carbon copies of cast members of the OC. No, my problem is the fact that legions of young girls flock around this guy despite the fact he is a poster child abusive boyfriend. He stalks her endlessly. He verbally threatens her. He is ridiculously possessive, and even chooses who her friends are. He watches her sleep. In one book, he even rapes her. And I haven’t even touched on the fact this guy is over a hundred years old, and yet he is still chasing jail bait. Far from being the perfect boyfriend the fan girls think he is, in the end he is just a psychotic, controlling, abusive pedophile. But at least he has a pretty face though, right?

Lastly we have the other side to the war between the Twihards, Jacob Black, aka Dogmeat. Now, I will give some credit, of the three main characters, he is the one I can give the most slack. While he is vague and two dimensional, he is no where near as bad as Edward or Bella, which admittedly doesn’t say much. That appears to be his sole redeeming virtue however, because he is still a complete jackass. While he starts off decent, any hope for a sane male in this series dies soon after, because as the series progresses, he quickly becomes just as controlling as Mr. Sparkles. In the end he apparently falls for Bella and Edwards newborn daughter, and claims her by marking on her. Why is it that every man in this series is a pedophile?

Which brings us to the movies, which are very faithful adaptations to the books, in regards to the fact that they are all poorly made train wrecks that cause everybody except for the fan girls to suffer a cerebral hemorrhage. Of course odds are if you like horse crap mislabeled as a book, odds are you would like horse crap mislabeled as a movie just as much. To criticize these films would take an article of their own. Despite this, the films have made billions.

Perhaps one of the worst parts of the entire phenomenon are the fans. While every icon has it’s crazy fans, the vast majority of the fan base are all rational people to counter balance those select fools. For Twilight, the opposite holds true. While there are some rational Twilight readers, it seems like there is a large portion of religiously devoted fangirls who crucify anyone who dares to say Twilight is anything less then the greatest creation in the history of mankind. These frightening fans are divided into two groups as far as I can tell. The main group are the cliche tweenage fangirls. Most seem to enjoy this fad because of, suprise suprise, the two guys involved. Following Bella’s lead, they ignore the fact that they are crooning over a couple of fictional guys, instead focusing on how the actor who plays Dogmeat is a walking six pack.

Far worse than those hormonal monsters however, are the so-called Twilight moms. While I may be able to forgive some tween girls for going loony over some boys in a book, a bunch of forty year old women should know better! Can you imagine if grown men where going insane over a couple of teenage girls? They’d be run out of town, and rightfully so! My advise to these women is to grow up and pay attention to your daughters before they end up on a milk carton, because if they go after guys like Edward or Jacob, that’s where they will end up!

And there you have it folks. That is my opinion on this pop culture disaster of biblical proportions.

For all of you who think I am over reacting, what worries me about this whole thing is not that it is a bunch of crappy books, but the effect these books may have. While I used to hope that people where intelligent enough not to be influenced so easily by passing fads, Twilight has certainly proven otherwise. What scares me is that there is a power in the written word that inspires or changes people. It’s the reason that documents like the Constitution change the course of history. Every book contains a message to it’s readers.

What is the message that Twilight sends to these legions of young girls? Don’t bother with silly things like friendships, goals, getting an education and meaningless things like that. Pout and preen over these fools that think like that. Instead find yourself a good looking guy and fall in love with him in less than a month and have his babies. It doesn’t matter if he is a psychotic abusive prat on the inside, as long as he is drop dead gorgeous on the outside. Do that and you will be happy. That is what thousands of little girls are going to grow up believing thanks to this filth.

On an ending note, I certainly hope that Twilight is just a passing fad that it’s followers will be ashamed of in the future, much like disco or tramp stamps. At least I hope so. Because if this rising generation never grows out of this infatuation, I fear for the future.

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